Transformers: The Last Knight NON-Review

[“The Review Must Go On”] Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (sigh) I’m in a little bit of a dilemma. You see, one of the first videos I ever did, arguably THE first video I ever did, was a review of Michael Bay’s “Transformers” movie. It was…similar to another character’s style. (a la Chester A. Bum) So it starts off like, “That copter was taken down years ago!” [Descending helicopter noises] And then they’re like, “Get out of the copter or we’ll shoot!” So Wiki Wiki is going out with his British girlfriend, who may or may not be dating the schmuck from Enchanted. But as you can tell, I liked it. It was stupid, but it’s a guilty pleasure. I can’t help what I like. But, (sigh) over the years, this tradition kind of started where I would always review a “Transformers” movie whenever it came out, usually resulting in a crossover with said character. But here’s the thing: As they kept going, the review style mattered less because I was running out of things to say. Mostly because the MOVIES were running out of things to say. Every single time one of these damn films came out, they just did the same thing over and over and over! And – and what am I supposed to say?! “Oh, that happened again. That happened again.” There’s no variety. As the reviews on the movies continued, I got more and more angry, because I just didn’t have much left. What was I supposed to say to this lazily written, creatively empty franchise? Michael Bay himself came out saying, “You can complain about it all you want, “but you’ll still go see it.” I don’t wanna give money to that idea. The idea that someone can just keep putting out the exact same crap, but we’re too conditioned to break away. Look, I have the great luxury, and it is a luxury, of being one of the few critics who doesn’t have to see movies every weekend. I only see movies I feel are worth talking about, whether good or bad, they actually have some relevance, they can have some meaning, they can… something we can learn from. But honestly I feel like I’ve talked about all I can with this series. It’s just constant repeat with little to nothing added. I want to push for more original and challenging material. I don’t want to support this shit like he predicted I will. Hollywood’s going on and on how their shitty reboots aren’t making that much money. Not because, they’re shitty reboots, but because there’s something wrong with us! No, there’s something wrong with you! You keep doing the same thing over and over and we need new stuff! But this series, for whatever reason, is never affected. They always make tons and tons of money. I don’t want to review these movies anymore, because I don’t think there’s anything new left to review. But, (sigh), I also have a tradition. I always review this shit, even though, in my opinion, there’s nothing new to review. It’s just the first film minus any surprises, like all the other sequels were! So, (sigh) what to do? I am so convinced that this movie is going to be the exact same goddamn formula that all the other movies have been… that I am actually going to review it… without seeing it. It is so tired and repetitive, that I’m pretty sure I can predict the piece of crap movie I would have suffered through. That’s how bad things have gotten. It might be off by a detail or two, but I’m sure I can still tell you what’s going to happen. Now, you might be saying to yourself, and rightfully so, “that doesn’t seem very fair!” “You can’t judge a movie without even seeing it.” So, I guess, look at this less as a review and more as a… artistic experiment. An experiment to see if Hollywood can really be so unimaginative and lazy, and yet we keep somehow still falling for it. Seeing if the rats will ever stop running through the maze with no reward. And if you don’t believe me, you think I’m lying, that I actually did see this movie and I’m just telling you what I saw, go ahead, it wouldn’t be the first time somebody didn’t believe somebody on the internet. But I get a feeling, if we measure both our brain cells, mine are going to be the exact same amount, and yours are going to be less after SEEING THIS DAMN MOVIE! And the funny thing is, I actually hope I’m wrong. I hope I am wrong about everything I’m about to say. I hope somebody who worked on this film finally said, “Let’s give some variety. Something new. Something they haven’t seen before. “Let’s finally treat our audience like intelligent human beings.” But my guess is, THIS is what we’re going to get. It’s going to start off years and years ago in the past. You think, “Oh, this is what the movie is going to be about: Transformers with knights and Nazis and catapults and flames.” But it’s not. It’s more of the same; just Transformers fighting in modern day in the city and/or desert. All this stuff with knights and Nazis that they’re showing all over the trailers, that’s only going to be in the first few minutes, with probably a little flashback to it in the middle. But, pfft, you don’t want to see Transformers fighting with knights, even though it’s called “The Last Knight”! Oh wait, yes you do, but you’re not going to get it. Because you need American McAmerican, played by Mark Wahlberg from the last movie. Because he’s the new main character, we’ll have some sort of introduction with him getting used to Transformers in his everyday life, leading to comedy that’s not funny, but it’s BIG, so your testicles will be like “YEAH, THAT’S FUNNY ‘CAUSE IT’S BIG!” But don’t worry, we’ll also get small, annoying comedic moments with obnoxious comedy relief. You pray to Christ they’re not going to be in a lot of the film, but they probably are, making dumb sex jokes to the first graders that shouldn’t be watching this movie, but clearly this is the exact audience the film is made for. Speaking of which, we’ve got to set up our supporting cast, which is usually kids. Whether high school, college, or even younger, we need a good looking kid who for some reason is an outcast, even though they could probably get by on looks alone. If it’s a boy, he’ll be awkward and funny; if it’s a girl, she’ll be a badass tech. We need the geek, or geeks. One of them will probably die, because we only need one saying unfunny awkward dialogue. And of course, we also need the hot chick who’s also a brain, and they’ll demonstrate this by giving her glasses. She’s supposed to be smarter than everyone else, but clearly she spent more time trying to get her makeup right than her computer-savvy dialogue. We need, of course, returning supporting cast: either Josh Duhamel, John Turturro, Stanley Tucci, or if they’re really desperate, all of them. Maybe even a Shia cameo, if they’re beyond desperate. You need the celebrity suit: This is a person who looks really important to the story, but they’re not, they’re just there to read exposition. They get a big, dignified star to make you think there’s a lot of weight to this role, but usually they do something really stupid that you’re supposed to think is funny, because it’s that dignified star looking like a two year old, but it’s not funny; it’s just that dignified star looking like a two year old. And that dignified star does it without question because “Eah, my dumb grandkids like these movies.” Oh, and the suit is covering up something, because the person in a suit is always a big part of the government cover-up that somehow nobody ever figures out, despite there apparently being millions of times the Transformers pretty much created our history. Hell, even some of the city fights in the other films were somehow covered up. As if even the government would be stupid enough to tell us not to trust our own eyes and ears — actually it’s not too far fetched. Optimus Prime, who’s always the biggest one on the poster, once again won’t be the main lead; that will again be the human characters, even though the movie’s not called “Humans.” He’ll be out of commission a good chunk of the movie, either hiding or looking for something. If he’s in space, he’s probably looking for someone or something from his homeworld, because… shitty sci-fi loves to do that in bad sequels. But some evil force comes along that’s after some power energy thing. Yeah, there’s always some power energy thing; it’s very vague in how it works, but whoever has it, can do some big damage. The big threat won’t be Megatron, though, because we love having the Transformer’s biggest villain in most of these movies without having him in most of the movie. He’ll still be a nuisance but only second banana to the big bad alien villain. Is the big bad alien villain a slimy creature or an orb of light or some sort of evil creature that’s on par with H.R. Giger’s design? No! It’s just another human-looking machine that’s riding a giant ship or metal device that’s going to blow up everything. Oh, and it has to do something on the moon, because… For some reason, Michael Bay is really obsessed with the moon. I, I, I mean, it’s fine, but it’s th-the moon! It’s just the moon! With every passing movie they want to make Optimus Prime more and more badass so they make him meaner and meaner, so this time around they’ll probably go all the way and make you think he’s a bad guy. Because when a series runs out of steam, that’s a twist they always think we fall for. They’ll even have some big fight with his best friend and he does the unthinkable by beating the shit out of him or even nearly killing him. They’re going to make it seem like the friend is dead, but he’s not! It’s another fake out, like when Optimus died, because they didn’t have the balls that a Saturday morning cartoon had. So does this mean that Optimus Prime is a full-on villain, destroying years of hero worship in the ultimate franchise gamble? Yes. Yes, it is! And Mickey Mouse is officially going to become a terrorist. Of course that doesn’t happen! He’s either brainwashed or controlled by the villain, but they’ll figure out a way to make him think straight and he’ll be good once more, but after we have several scenes of asking if humanity’s worth it. Because you know, it was SO deep the other four times we did it. surely this time you won’t forget! This will result in a lot of slow mo., a lot of explosions you won’t even flinch at anymore because you’ve gotten so used to ’em. A situation where a hot guy flexes his muscles, a situation where a hot woman does something sexy, something so outdatedly unfunny that will offend you on either a racial, sexual, or even just kindergarten level. And all that action you think is going to be amazing and will throw in a lot of money into you’re not going to be able to really enjoy, because… you know, that Michael Bay, he’s an artist, so he has to shoot the action sequences from different angles than what you’re used to. The problem is he’s not a very good artist, so it’s either an angle that’s so close you can’t make out most of the action, so cluttered you can’t make out most of the action, or edited so fast that you can’t make out most the action. Even if you see it in 3D with all the slow mo, yeah, that great shard is really going to look different from the rest of the great shards. But it’s okay, because you’ll have two… maybe even three legitimately cool action moments that are only a few seconds long but you can actually see them, so you’ll choose to find it cool. You waited almost 3 hours of the exact same shit you’ve seen over and over, but those two minutes of actual good action, somehow you’ll justify in your head was completely worth it! In the end, the main human characters will learn something about letting go yet somehow being closer; Optimus Prime will make the same big speech that’s trying to sound deep but is really just a long winded way of saying, “We rock”; the bad guy will be destroyed but some villainous element, usually Megatron, will escape for a sequel, and even though every story, every setup, every bit of advertising is trying to make it look like this is going to be the last one, IT’S NEVER THE LAST ONE! “The Last Knight” is not the last film, “The Age of Extinction” has nothing becoming extinct, “The Revenge of the Fallen” doesn’t really last: there’s always, always more. And if you keep thinking over and over that this IS going to be the last one, I eh, yeah, there’s going to be more! So, what do you think? Was I close? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe this is the one that’s gonna break the mold. Maybe this will be the one that takes it in a brand new direction, with twists and turns that are legitimately surprising, but as the famous business model goes, “If it’s broken, but makes a lot of money, why fix it?” My guess is this is the same movie they’ve shown us four times already, and here’s the thing: If you like this, fine. You can’t help what you like. Hell, I enjoy the first one despite it being so stupid. But with so many films repeating the same thing over and over, and those films not doing as well as the studios want, remember: You have the right to demand better. You have a right to say, “If I’m going to see something that I’m already familiar with, I can at least demand to see something new with it.” You can be fine with the same old crap, but you can demand smarter and more exiting crap. We all have that fast food McDonald’s garbage that we eat, but even McDonald’s puts out a new sandwich every once in a while. You don’t have to eat a shitty cheeseburger over and over and over. You can demand a new sauce, a new meal, even a new restaurant. The Rodeo burger is still amazing. This is just a different take on a fascinatingly repetitive series, and I don’t see myself doing it often or really ever again. I’m a reviewer: I want to talk about what I see as opposed to what I don’t see. This is just something different, like I said, an artistic experiment, something I don’t think we’ll ever see the Transformer movies trying any time soon. But the one thing I want you to take away from this, whether I’m right about most of this stuff or not, is that if you’re not going to demand something good, you can at LEAST demand something new. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it… whether you’ve seen it or not. [“The Review Must Go On”]

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