Dumbledore: Welcome, everyone to Hogwarts School of Wizardry and Witchcraft, a place I assure you is safe for children,
and has absolutely no history that might threaten our entire existence. But there is a huge killer snake downstairs. And a giant, vicious three headed dog…
and a tree that can kill you… and man-sized spiders that can eat your face… and– McGonagall: Thank you, Professor
Dumbledore! That will be all. As he was saying, welcome to– Hermione: These candles are dripping wax everywhere! (indistinct screams) How Harry Potter Should Have Ended (door opens) That Time-Turner’s fantastic,
Hermione! You should keep it forever. Hermione: Alright. Harry: No, really! It’s too valuable!
You have to promise to keep it. Hermione: Okay! I promise! Harry: Hermione, something might
conveniently destroy all the Time-Turners, making that the last one!
You have to promise to keep it! Hermione: I promise I won’t get rid of it! Ron: What the bloody hell are you two talking about? (epic musical score) (energy colliding) Voldemort: I’m going to kill you, Harry Potter! I’m pointing my wand as hard as I can! Harry: What’s it going to take, Tom? You tried to kill me once as a baby and it didn’t work! Voldemort: I’m going to destroy you! Harry: We’ve been here, like,
four or five times already, and I just came back from the dead! Voldemort: Lalalala! Not listening! Too busy about to kill you! Harry: You are insane! And now
we’re about to kill your pet snake! Neville (slow motion): I’m awesome!!! Harry: It’s over! Voldemort: It’s never over! Avada Kedav–ugh! (vocalizing) Snape: Ugh. Muggle weapons. Harry: Professor Snape, you’re alive! Snape: Of course I’m alive, you twit! Harry: But how? You died right in front of us! Snape: Magic! Duh! I’m a potions master and a double agent. Obviously I had a backup plan. I’ve been drinking Honey Badger Anti-Venom ever since I started hanging around that ridiculous snake. Neville & Seamus: Whoa… Luna: Honey badger just takes what it wants. Snape: And I think we’ve already established that I can heal bleeding injuries. Now, Mr. Potter, if you will bring me your Invisiblity Cloak and Ms. Granger’s Time-Turner, there is one more thing I must do. (music) Hermione: Professor, you realize if you do this, you can’t come back. Snape: I am well aware of the risk and consequence, Ms. Granger. Ron: You’re gonna have to turn that thing at least 200,000 times, sir. Snape: Then you’d best not make
me lose count, eh, Mr. Weasley? Ron: No, sir. Harry: Good luck, sir. Snape: Goodbye, children. One…two…three… four…five…six… 262,029…262,030…262,031…got it! Got it! Riddle: I can make animals do what I want without training them. I can make bad things happen to people. If I want. I can– Snape: Avada Kedavra! (Riddle groans) Dumbledore: What the– Snape: Ha ha HA! Dumbledore: What is this? Snape: Take that, you Dark Lord! Ha ha HA! Dumbledore: Why would you DO that? Snape: Evidence…removal. (Snape pants) Dumbledore: Who are you? Snape: Oh…sorry about that…just, uh… saving your life…in the future. As well as…countless others. It’s a long story. (harmonious end music) Snape: No, I mean a REALLY LONG story. Like, so long, if we wrote it all down it would take at least seven books. Dumbledore: Or eight movies! (end music continues) Dumbledore: I’d like to introduce our new teacher for Defense Against the Dark Arts, Professor Gandalf. Gandalf: You…shall not…PASS! Dumbledore: Well, that’s a little harsh… classes haven’t even started yet. (music ends) Captioned by Evan Reynolds